Monday, January 28, 2013

New Beginnings



I have some unbelievably difficult and seemingly insoluble problems in my life at the moment. In fact they've persisted for a while and I don't think they'll be going away any time soon. Sometimes I feel I'm losing it. Sometimes I feel that life is pushing me about, that I'm not in control.

I need to change things, to cope with the stress, to realise that there will always be problems, and that life is full of difficulties, but it's the way you handle them that's the important thing. Over the past few months I've tried turning things around, but with little success. Now I am absolutely serious about sorting things out and have formed a strategy, a three-month plan (Feb-Apr).

I have rather an addictive personality, and it's all too easy for me to deal with problems by doing things I enjoy to excess: eating, drinking, blogging, you name it. But of course doing all these things in an undisciplined way just leaves you feeling wretched, out of control, a piece of flotsam pushed this way and that by the stormy tides of life.

A sea change is needed. So this is my plan. First of all I need to lose weight. I've gradually been putting on weight for a year and am now nearly 15 stone. I don't actually look particularly overweight — I'm 6 ft 1 in with broad shoulders — but I know only too well that I should weigh more like 12 and a half stone. At between 12 and a half and 13 stone I always feel great and full of energy. I want to get back to that state. So my goal is to weigh 13 stone by the end of April — which means I have to lose around 2 lb per week. And then stay at that weight. I've done this before, and know it's doable, but it will mean a balanced, calorie-controlled diet of healthy food. Fortunately I eat healthy food anyhow, and am not tempted too much by sugary snacks, cakes, biscuits, chocolate and suchlike. I will be giving up alcohol, though.

Secondly I need to get more discipline back into my life. Therefore, as well as the diet, I'm returning to my old regime of daily exercise and meditation. Also I intend to read more mindfully (well, I tend to do this already, but my reading has become a little haphazard) and walk and/or run every day. Re. blogging and computer time I'm confining myself to one slot in the evening, rather than dipping in and out throughout the day.

I've decided to document my progress in cyberspace because I think it will be a massive incentive knowing that the world is my witness (hopefully you don't think I'm being too narcissistic). It's a bit like promising things to a sympathetic audience, then not wanting to let them (or myself) down. Also it may help others in their own pursuit of physical and spiritual transformation, an energetic and healthy lifestyle and a life in which you can control difficulties to some extent, rather than be overwhelmed by them. I'm sure it won't always be easy, but to know that at least a few others may be walking alongside me each step of the way will be a great encouragement.

I'm beginning now, but my official start date will be 1st February. I'll be blogging once or twice a week about the experience. As usual any comments are most welcome.

The scales this morning showed my unclothed body weight was 14 st 13 lb.

31 comments:

  1. I admire your dedication towards a goal, Robert. I hope you don't take on too much at once. I've always felt one has to balance weight loss or other health goals with leaving room for finding (healthy) ways to treat and reward yourself for goals met along the way.

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    1. Thanks for this, Amanda — I think treats and rewards will be essential.

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  2. Hi Robert I wish you well with this and hope that whatever it is that is problematic will have a solution in the long term. Just looking after yourself will help you stay strong though whatever it is(do as I say not as I do - ha). I am hoping to come along with you and cheer you on. I set myself some tasks whilst I was off work over Christmas and now I'm back at work I find I am overwhelmed and not doing any of the things that are important to me. Seeing your progress will help I think. You sound very determined.

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  3. Does sound like a lot to do at once! Good luck... and don't beat yourself up if it doesn't all come together straightaway.
    x

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    1. Good advice, Rachel — but I think what I intend is achievable. And no, I'm not going to beat myself up if it doesn't completely come together!

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  4. It is entirely lovely to see the photo of Carmen in the snow here, too! I've been quiet (not commenting much) lately, but I've got to say now that I would have commented positively on that snowy post if I weren't being so quiet and spending less time on the computer.

    Coincidental to your plan, my recent practice is to limit my time on the computer to a brief email check in the early morning and to spend no time on the computer again until after 5 in the evening. I go to be early, and so I am ending up spending hardly any time on the computer compared to the amount of time I have been spending since I started blogging in 2006 -- up to 8 hours a day in the first few years. Limiting my time on the computer is something like staying within a poetic form. The structure challenges me in a good way, and I do look forward to the time I do spend on the computer while I go about my day in the way that I used to before the internet.

    You might recall that I am an alcoholic with several eating disorders who loves good food and who struggled with my weight and chronic depression until I was 37 years old. When I removed alcohol and concentrated sugars from my diet, my depression lifted and my weight stabilized and my eating disorders disappeared. Everyone has a different body chemistry, but I am acquainted with many people with body chemistry like mine who have experienced similar results with letting go of alcohol and concentrated sugars. There was a withdrawal period for me that was acutely uncomfortable but not unbearable, and once that period was over I felt better than I had ever felt, as far as I could remember. And my appetite for good food remained!!! In fact, for me, not eating concentrated sugars makes all food taste sweeter.

    My experience is that it does help to make changes of this nature in the company of other people, and I have a friend who has broken free of 21 years of bulimia in the past 6 months by doing just what you are doing -- formulating an action plan and documenting her journey on a blog. I have been fortunate to have been in the company of kindred spirits during my physical, emotional and spiritual healing journey. Blogging has played an important part in that journey, but as an addictive person it's easy for me to lose perspective and go overboard with anything, including blogging! There are some things that I can moderate (blogging) and other things that I just can't seem to moderate (alcohol and sugar) no matter how hard I try. It's a mystery.

    Kind wishes always,
    am

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    1. Yes, I remember your history, am, and I think it's inspiring how you changed your life. I like your analogy 'staying within a poetic form'. Structure is essential, I think — in poetry, in society, in individual behaviour, in nature, in life. And within that very structure lies liberation and enlightenment, I feel. Without some structure everything just falls apart into anarchy and chaos, and I've sometimes experienced such in my life, and it's not pleasant.
      Thanks so much for your revealing and supportive comment.

      (And when I talk about structure I don't mean tight, confining, authoritarian bonds. Quite the opposite. But you knew that. And also structure can be a necessarily imposed illusion, quite out of accord with the anarchy, nihilism and despair one sees routinely in the world around us.)

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  5. Rest assured, Robert, that probably everyone you know is fighting some kind of battle. Most people, however, find it difficult to be as open and candid about their challenges. I salute you for both your candor and your honesty.

    For what it's worth, I think your holistic approach to things is likely to yield the results you are hoping to achieve. In my own life, which rises and falls with the predictability of the tides, I have found that it is never just one thing or one bad habit that gets me down. It's usually an accumulation of things — e.g., not living as mindfully as I should, not getting the regular physical challenges that I need, spending too much time distracted by things I cannot control, spending too much time at the computer, etc. — in short, not making the small individual decisions on a moment-to-moment basis that will best serve my soul's welfare.

    Never doubt that there are many who will be walking alongside you each step of the way on the next phase of your journey. We are all trying to get control of our chatterbox minds, and we are all trying to live in accordance with Reinhold Niebuhr's advice about having the strength to change what we can, the courage to accept what we cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.

    Good luck! I look forward to following the documentation of your progress.

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    1. Yes, we are all fighting those battles, George, to a greater or lesser degree. It's the human condition. Niebuhr's advice is pertinent. And I like your focus on holism too — very much what I want to keep in mind (and heart) as I attempt to integrate my life. Thanks for your supportive comment, my friend.

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  6. There is nothing like a serious health condition to focus ones mind, in October just after my father passed away, I was diagnosed with diabetes, im just coming up to 3 months of low carb eating and a complete change in my mind set about eating, it has become a eat to nourish my body instead of eat to give myself pleasure, I was 11st 5lb and now I am 10 st. thankfully the pleasure in eating has come back, and i now enjoy vegetables for lunch, i weigh the same in the evening as i do in the morning, my body feels cleaner, less congested and my spirits have lifted, just this last weekend, now that i am use to what i am eating and use to not having what i was eating.

    I love to walk but have added swimming to that, and try and move more around my house,
    more like a teenager, with ants in their pants, my dog thinks she has a new younger version of her owner/pet.

    I wish you all the best with your endeavors and look forward to your posts,

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    1. Hi CC — and, yes, I read in your blog about your diabetes, and it's great how you've adapted your diet and lifestyle so positively. Well done, you! Thanks for your encouraging words.

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  7. Sounds like a plan. Take each day as it comes and remember to take time to laugh along the way. I am honored to be on this journey with you.
    Love Gail
    peace.....

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    1. Hey, I'm glad you reminded me not to take myself too seriously, Gail! You are absolutely right — laughter is often the best medicine. And the ability to laugh at oneself. Thanks for this.

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  8. Go well Robert. I'll be joining you in the fasting from eating and computers during Lent. You're in prayers, and let me know if there is anything else I can do,

    Andy

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    1. Thanks for your prayers and good wishes, Andy, and it will be good to have a fellow companion in asceticism!

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  9. I've just typed rather a lot and deleted it...

    What remains is more relevant than it sounds: have you tried Rachel Fox's new "hopes and dreams" project? I've just sent her a short essay and I found it to be a more thought-provoking experience than I expected.

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    1. Now, I wonder what you deleted, Dominic..? I want to have a closer look at Rachel's new project. It sounds quite exciting.

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  10. Gosh, this is awfully similar to what I'm doing this month, going on the wagon, starting a new, focused mindfulness and sitting practice, oh, and lots and lots of hiking. Good stuff : )

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    1. Hey, another fellow traveller along the way! (Focused meditation is so much easier without having drunk half a bottle of wine first.) And hiking — well, one can never get enough of it.

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    2. Very true about the wine and even a bottle of beer the night before will get in the way of an early morning sit, my favourite time to go inside...

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  11. The challenges can be fun and invigorating too! I wish you success and am sure you'll pull it off. I salute your objective with the blogging time. It's ridiculous how much time I spend online when I'm not travelling - first day back at work today, nothing whatsoever to do and I've been sitting here typing or reading for literally several hours. Then I'll go home and eventually resume it...

    As for alcohol, in my case it was much easier than I would have thought possible. I started having a couple of beers each day on my recent New York adventure, after a break of over a year, but now I'm out of that social environment I have stopped cold turkey with no regrets or cravings.

    Now, the sweet things you refer to: that would be a battle! I'm pretty sure I indulge in them in part out of boredom, to give me an excuse to walk somewhere, and a coffee seems kind of lonesome without something sweet on the side. I have resolved to cook more though -- all going well I won't be doing it just for myself soon, which I find rather uninspiring.

    I have a lot of catching up to do on your blog(s). Would I be right in guessing your walking has tapered off while the pounds have been accumulating?

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    1. As I've said before, Goat, well done on the alcohol — when it becomes a regular habit rather than an occasional pleasure it loses all its benefit and allure. I'm lucky not having a particularly sweet tooth, though, like you, I think that coffee without cake is like, well, like being driven by an American girl with her seat belt fastened. Nice enough, but without that extra frisson. (Note to other readers: you have to have read Goat's recent blog post to understand this!)

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    2. PS Goat — no, I've still been walking, that long coastal path walk last November for instance, plus local walks.

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  12. Good. Very good.

    I am in a very similar place, so I will be cheering you on, and that will cheer me on.

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    1. Mutual support! Just brilliant. Let's help each other along the path, Ruth.

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  13. First, know that you're not alone in having to reconsider and rework your life around serious issues, health and otherwise. And no doubt a task which might have been easier accomplished during the invincible—albeit fallacious—bloom of youth. Just recognizing and admitting it to yourself, and the willingness to formulate and launch a corrective plan is a huge step toward making things right/better.

    For some time, I've been engaged in a similar multiple-front process. It is difficult, painful, and disillusioning labor, regularly discouraging and often appearing hopeless. And I have yet to get myself where I set out to go. Which by no means admits failure. That's a valuable lesson to always keep in mind, Robert. You will almost surely have setbacks and disappointments, become disheartened and depressed. Plan for it; expect it. And when it happens, pick yourself back up and press on. I've had to do this any number of times. And when I do, I look back at the time before this latest stumble—and there's a telling gap; I've made progress between then and now. Maybe slower than hoped and planned, but in the right direction. Getting up and going on was worthwhile. So just don't become too rigid about your schedule; a goal and a schedule are different things—you adjust and revise the former to accomplish the latter. Be willing to forgive yourself for simply being human. If you were Superman, you'd have this big red "S" on your chest. (Check now if you're not sure you're merely a man trying to get through a difficult time as best he can.)

    You can do this—all of it. Really you can! Just keep room for YOU in the equation. Regularly updating your progress online should help for the reasons outlined. And as your friend, I'll certainly do anything I can to help.

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    1. Thanks for this wonderful comment with its sage advice, Grizz. I appreciate it so much. I feel even better about sharing online now, as I've already received such tremendous support and encouragement. I just know that documenting my 'progress' will help. I take note of your wise words about adjusting too-high expectations, and accepting slow progress if slow progress it is. Thanks again for these kind and humble words.

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  14. 2 pounds a week is a little severe, speaking from experience. The important thing is just changing the direction - from gaining to losing. I'm doing a similar thing, not abstaining from alcohol, but cutting down the portion size on everything, and weighing myself at the same time every day. There can be a variance +/- of a half pound or so due to plumbing issues, but if I gain more than half a pound, then the following day I must do a fast paced walk of at least four hours, irregardless of previous plans. So far that is working out to losing about 2 1/2 pounds per month. Susan is actually the instigator, and she records everything she eats, so that helps me track where I am.

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  15. Thanks for dropping by and telling me about your own experience, Ralph. I think you're right — slow and steady weight loss is much better than a giddy rush which leaves you tired and hungry. However, I have lost 2 lb per week before, with no ill effects. Normally I lose a lot at the beginning — perhaps 3 lb per week or more — then later it settles down to 1 lb per week. Cutting down portion sizes is a good idea, rather than following some faddy or trendy diet which cuts out completely or drastically reduces certain foodstuffs.

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  16. I only now found this blog, as you were kind enough to summarize your manic internet activity on Solitary Walker. Hence, the sudden barrage of comments. My first thought was, Holy moly, where does he find time for all that blogging?" Now I see . . . and, unfortunately as I read further I see injury has given you more time than you might like to be glued to the screen. May you be solidly on the mend for the warmer weather to come.

    After my six-week computer sabbatical in NZ two years ago, I cut way back, so much so that I was recently decided whether to ditch the blogging entirely, or start taking it seriously again. I've chosen the latter; it seems worth it. Doing things partway, whether food or blogging or alcohol or whatever can be surprisingly difficult. Maintaining balance isn't easy.

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